Pep Rally Repentance

Pep Rally Repentance
By Tennessee Elijah

EWNR – The Grand Ole Federal Reserve policy makers led by handsome Chairman Alan Greenspan have slashed short-term interest rates to a 41-year low of 1.25%, reducing cost of borrowing across the failing economy.

This is good news for deceptive Demoncrats who claim to care about the low-income voters who benefit from easy-to-get-home-equity lines of credit when paying off excessive credit card debt and/or who get small family business loans to enable cheap home improvements on the side.

"This is no time for gloating," said Senator Trent Trot-a-lot Lott, a righteous and somber Republican from the southern state of Mississippi after being unceremoniously mocked by evil troublemakers when he was attending the infamous northern state of Minnesota Memorial Service for family and friends of those who died with Senator Wellstone. The melodic wilderness Internet voices were proudly singing, "Our grand economy will get a boost from consumer confidence made possible by the Fed once members of the American Chamber of Commerce are out of the red."

The historic midterm election of 2002 made the Minnesota fans chant, "We will win, we will win," second only to "Let's roll!" Just as Winona Ryder was being convicted of Grand theft, while three strange people in San Diego
were charged with trying to sell heroin to purchase shoulder-fired Stinger anti-aircraft missiles for al-Qaeda, at the crucial moment when researchers reported finding a way to short-circuit panic in rats -- which may eventually help Demoncrats who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder -- and while Country Music's Alan Jackson racked up 5 CMA awards, Walter Mondale was heard saying to a clerk at Walmart after shopping, "I have no regrets."

Even though expressing sorrow and respect for Paul Wellstone's family, thousands of liberals throughout the nation were unable to attend the Minnesota Memorial Service, deciding to stay home on election day in memory of their fallen hero. Their absence at the polls was a bonus for Republicans who became ecstatic with election results. "The voters have finally indicated a desire to rid government of partisan obstructionism, give Republicans an open door to homeland security, reform the inferior high tax system, set federal spending limits, create an energy policy that includes domestic exploration to remove dependency on Arabs, revise the educational system sufficiently to overcome ignorance, provide healthcare assurance at affordable rates and amend the American Constitution -- so we can deny free speech to idiots," said the famous homeless guy in New York when posting messages from his website at the local library.

Senator Dasschole is reported to have returned to South Dakota for the purpose of congratulating his buddy Senator Tim Johnstone who was claiming victory prematurely. Winning by only a few hundred votes, marginal success might have to be scrutinized by John Thunestone very closely if Federal investigators discover voter problems on the Indian reservations. Hundreds of fraudulent votes would reverse the outcome before the end of the world unless -- Thunestone is a good sport and concedes the election.

Smiling Senator Gepfhart of Missouri, the "Show Me" state, feels that his effectiveness as a brilliant House leader -- who really wants to be Top Dog to feed his ego -- has been diminished because of bungling attempts while fighting against the popular Bush agenda. After doing simple token soul searching, thinking that opposing Bush as a presidential candidate in 2004 might be more fun, Richard has decided to replace Al Bore as the "man without a plan." Of course, Howard Meanstone, Johnny Edwardstone, Johnny Kerrystone, Tommy Dasschole, Joseph LIEberman, Al Sharpstone, Jessie Jokestone and a few others with big ambitions will probably endorse Hilarious Clinton at the convention rather than being pressured into marching behind the Gepfhart bandwagon.

Finally on a personal note, it was with great reluctance that I, the famous Tennessee Elijah, actually voted for my former political adversary known to folks as Republican Lamar "The Great" Alexander. Even though he imitated my unsuccessful attempt to walk across the great state of Tennessee in 1974 during his successful campaign in 1978 -- and even though he wears plaid shirts without shame in public places, I thought Lamar might be able to help our president get a few things done! (If you're reading this Lamar, please resist your enthusiastic urge to become an opportunist in Washington if
it means opposing our visionary man in the White House).

As someone who has come to Planet Earth to encourage conformity to the Laws of God, promote Christian unity and advise lost souls to seriously consider repenting of sin, my mission would be incomplete if I failed to lead liberal "losers" out of their self-made malaise. So, in the spirit of compassion and humility, I highly recommend that organizers of the very next United National Demoncrat Convention listen to me when I say that they should consider holding it in northern Minnesota using this slogan:

"Pep Rally Repentance"
(Note: Holding memorial pep rallies for Al Bore, Tommy Dasschole,
Howard Mean or Wannabe Gepfhart would not be appropriate as this time).

Instead of a few dozen Demoncrats harboring jealous feelings over the success of Republicans, shouldn't they be spending more time attempting to please taxpaying voters in the future? Remember, citizens of this great nation make the existence of weird politicians possible! Liberals need to humble themselves by joining the majority in our land when they bow down to ask
to be forgiven at their "Pep Rally Repentance." This would be a marvelous symbolic act, and it might heal psychological wounds inflicted by liars.

If liberals want patriotic Independents to vote
on issues -- which is smarter than voting for
a political party -- now would be a good
time to email this message to voters!

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